How Healthy Is Your Relationship?
Having a partner can be an exciting and important time in your life. If your relationship with your partner is a healthy one, you and your partner will feel good about yourselves and value each other. However, sometimes relationships can be hurtful and have a negative effect on your feelings of self worth and self-confidence. This can happen if your partner is abusive towards you. If this is the case, you are in an unhealthy relationship.
Remember,
every person has the right to live free from abuse. Being on your own is also a healthy way to be.
To talk to someone who understands how difficult it is to take the first
step toward change, please call 1-800-461-7656, any time, day or night.
What is domestic violence and abuse?
Domestic abuse,
also known as spousal abuse, occurs when one person in an
intimate relationship or marriage tries to dominate and control the
other person. An abuser doesn’t “play fair.” He uses fear, guilt, shame,
and intimidation to wear you down and gain complete power over you. He
may threaten you, hurt you, or hurt those around you. Domestic abuse
that includes physical violence is called domestic violence.
Victims of
domestic abuse or domestic violence may be men or women, although women
are more commonly victimized. This abuse happens among heterosexual
couples and in same-sex partnerships. Except for the gender difference,
domestic abuse doesn’t discriminate. It happens within all age ranges,
ethnic backgrounds, and financial levels. The abuse may occur during a
relationship, while the couple is breaking up, or after the relationship
has ended.
Despite what many
people believe, domestic violence is not due to the abuser’s loss of
control over his behavior. In fact, violence is a deliberate choice made
by the abuser in order to take control over his partner.
Violent Behavior is an Abuser's Choice
Reasons we know an abuser's
behaviors are not about anger and rage:
-
If you ask an
abused woman, "can he stop when the phone rings or the police
come to the door?" She will say "yes". Most often when the
police show up, he is looking calm, cool and collected and she
is the one who may look hysterical. If he were truly "out of
control" he would not be able to stop himself when it is to his
advantage to do so.
Source:
Mid-Valley Women's Crisis Service
Types of domestic violence and abuse
There are
different types of domestic abuse, including emotional, physical,
sexual, and economic abuse. Many abusers behave in ways that include
more than one type of domestic abuse, and the boundaries between some of
these behaviors may overlap.
Emotional or psychological abuse
Emotional
or psychological abuse can be verbal or nonverbal. Its aim is to chip
away
at your feelings of self-worth and independence. If you’re the
victim of emotional abuse, you may feel that there is no way out of the
relationship, or that without your abusive partner you have nothing.
Emotional abuse includes verbal abuse such as yelling,
name-calling, blaming, and shaming. Isolation, intimidation, and
controlling behavior also fall under emotional abuse. Additionally,
abusers who use emotional or psychological abuse often throw in threats
of physical violence.
You may think that
physical abuse is far worse than emotional abuse, since physical
violence can send you to the hospital and leave you with scars. But, the
scars of emotional abuse are very real, and they run deep. In fact,
emotional abuse can be just as damaging as physical abuse—sometimes even
more so. Furthermore, emotional abuse usually worsens over time, often
escalating to physical battery.
Physical abuse
When people talk
about domestic violence, they are often referring to the physical abuse
of a spouse or intimate partner. Physical abuse is the use of physical
force against someone in a way that injures or endangers that person.
There’s a broad range of behaviors that come under the heading of
physical abuse, including hitting, grabbing, choking, throwing things,
and assault with a weapon.
Physical assault
or battering is a crime, whether it occurs inside or outside of
the family. The police have the power and authority to protect you from
physical attack.
Sexual abuse
Sexual abuse is common in
abusive relationships. According to the
National Coalition Against Domestic Violence,
between one-third and one-half of all women in an abusive relationship are raped by their
partners at least once during their relationship. Any situation in which
you are forced to participate in unwanted, unsafe, or degrading sexual
activity is sexual abuse. Forced sex, even by a spouse or intimate
partner with whom you also have consensual sex, is an act of aggression
and violence. Furthermore, women whose partners abuse them physically
and sexually are at a higher risk of being seriously injured or
killed.
Economic or financial abuse
Remember, an
abuser’s goal is to control you, and he will frequently hurt you to do
that. In addition to hurting you emotionally and physically, an abusive
partner may also harm you financially. Economic or
financial abuse includes:
-
Controlling the
finances
-
Withholding money
or credit cards
-
Giving you an
allowance
-
Making you account
for every penny you spend
-
Stealing from you
or taking your money
-
Exploiting your
assets for personal gain
-
Withholding basic
necessities (food, clothes, medications, shelter)
-
Preventing you from
working or choosing your own career
-
Sabotaging your job
(making you miss work, calling constantly)
Signs
of an abusive relationship
There are many signs of an abusive
relationship. The most significant sign is fear of your partner. Other
signs include a partner who belittles you or tries to control you, and
feelings of self-loathing, helplessness, and desperation.
To determine whether your
relationship is abusive, answer the questions in the table below. The
more “yes” answers, the more likely it is that you’re in an abusive
relationship.
|
Your Inner Thoughts and Feelings |
|
Do you:
-
feel afraid
of your partner much of the time?
-
avoid
certain topics out of fear of angering your partner?
-
feel that
you can’t do anything right for your partner?
-
believe
that you deserve to be hurt or mistreated?
-
wonder if
you’re the one who is crazy?
-
feel
emotionally numb or helpless?
|
|
Your Partner’s Belittling
Behavior |
|
Does your
partner:
-
humiliate,
criticize, or yell at you?
-
treat you
so badly that you’re embarrassed for your friends or family
to see?
-
ignore or
put down your opinions or accomplishments?
-
blame you
for his own abusive behavior?
-
see you as
property or a sex object, rather than as a person?
|
|
Your Partner’s Violent Behavior or Threats |
|
Does your
partner:
-
have a bad
and unpredictable temper?
-
hurt you,
or threaten to hurt or kill you?
-
threaten to
take your children away or harm them?
-
threaten to
commit suicide if you leave?
-
force you
to have sex?
-
destroy
your belongings?
|
|
Your Partner’s Controlling Behavior |
|
Does your
partner:
-
act
excessively jealous and possessive?
-
control
where you go or what you do?
-
keep you
from seeing your friends or family?
-
limit your
access to money, the phone, or the car?
-
constantly
check up on you?
|
Does your relationship include abuse?
You
may feel that it's your fault if things aren't working out. Sometimes
living with the abuse seems better than being alone. You may hope that
your partner will change and the abuse will stop - chances are, things
will get worse. This happens to many people - you are not alone and it's
not your fault! If you have questions or would like to speak with
someone about your options call
1-800-461-7656 - we're here to
listen.
Tips For Safer Dating
-
Tell someone where you're going and
who you'll be with. Consider arranging a time to call and check in
or plan to meet up with friends later on.
-
Meet in public places.
Avoid secluded areas such as parks.
-
When
possible, use your own transportation. Have money for the bus, taxi and phone
just in case.
- Be able to call a taxi: know the address of where you are.
-
State your limits. Know how far you want to go.
-
Have a safety plan.
-
Avoid alcohol and never leave your drink unattended.
-
Pay your own way.
-
Get to know your date. Are your date's values similar to yours?
-
In a long term dating situation, keep in touch with your family and friends.
- Remain alert.
-
Trust your instincts.
Take Precautions -
Call 911 or the
police if you suspect a case of domestic violence or if you are in
danger.
24 hours/7 days a week
YWCA Toll Free Crisis Line: 1-800-461-7656
Kids Help Phone: (24 hours) 1-800-668-6868
Pat Davies, Melinda
Smith, M.A., Tina de Benedictis, Ph.D., Jaelline Jaffe, Ph.D., and
Jeanne Segal, Ph.D., contributed to this article.
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