How to Talk to Men Who are Abusive
Sometimes people around an abusive man overlook his behaviour and
only focus on supporting the abused woman. At other times, people may
sympathize with the abusive man, which may inadvertently escalate his
abuse. Talking to an abusive man is an important part of preventing
violence against women, but it needs to be done carefully. Abusive
behaviour won't go away on its own. There are services to help him in
his community.
Here is what you can do when you recognize the
warning signs of abuse:
- Choose the right time and place to have a full discussion.
- Approach him when he is calm.
- Be direct and clear about what you have seen.
- Tell him that his behaviour is his responsibility. Avoid making
judgmental comments about him as a person. Don't validate his
attempt to blame others for his behaviour.
- Inform him that his behaviour needs to stop.
- Don't try to force him to change or to seek help.
- Tell him that you are concerned for the safety of his partner
and children.
- Never argue with him about his abusive actions. Recognize that
confrontational, argumentative approaches may make the situation
worse and put her at higher risk.
- Call the police if the woman's safety is in jeopardy.
If he denies the abuse:
- Men who are abusive will often minimize the impact and deny that
they have done anything wrong. They may state that it isn't that bad
or blame the victim for their actions. This type of behaviour
deflects his own responsibility for his actions.
- Keep your conversation focused on your concerns for his family's
safety and well-being and reiterate that abuse is never an answer.
- Keep the lines of communication open and look for opportunities
to help him find support.
Here are some concerns you may have about whether
you should help:
| Points of Concern |
Points to Consider |
| You
feel it's none of your business |
It
could be a matter of life or death. Violence is everyone's
business. |
| You
don't know what to say |
Saying
you care and are concerned is a good start |
| You
might make things worse |
Doing
nothing could make things worse |
| It's
not serious enough to involve the police |
Police
are trained to respond and utilize other resources |
| You
are afraid his violence will turn to you or your family |
Speak
to him alone. Let the police know if you receive threats |
| You
think she doesn't really want to leave because she keeps going
back to him |
She
may not have had the support she needed |
| You
are afraid he will become angry with you |
Maybe,
but it gives you the chance to offer your help |
| You
feel that both partners are your friends |
One
friend is being abusive and the other lives in fear |
| You
believe that if he wanted help or wanted to change his behaviour,
he would ask for help |
He may
be too ashamed to ask for help |
| You
think it is a private matter |
It
isn't when someone is being hurt |
Always keep yourself safe.
Don't get in the middle of an assault.
Everyone in the community has
a role to play in helping to prevent woman abuse. In an emergency, call the
police.
For information regarding how
the YWCA may be able to help,
call 1-800-461-7656.
Adapted from Neighbours,
Friends and Family
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