How to Talk to Men Who are Abusive

Sometimes people around an abusive man overlook his behaviour and only focus on supporting the abused woman. At other times, people may sympathize with the abusive man, which may inadvertently escalate his abuse. Talking to an abusive man is an important part of preventing violence against women, but it needs to be done carefully. Abusive behaviour won't go away on its own. There are services to help him in his community.

Here is what you can do when you recognize the warning signs of abuse:

• Choose the right time and place to have a full discussion.
• Approach him when he is calm.
• Be direct and clear about what you have seen.
• Tell him that his behaviour is his responsibility. Avoid making judgmental comments about him as a person. Don't validate his attempt to blame others for his behaviour.
• Inform him that his behaviour needs to stop.
• Don't try to force him to change or to seek help.
• Tell him that you are concerned for the safety of his partner and children.
• Never argue with him about his abusive actions. Recognize that confrontational, argumentative approaches may make the situation worse and put her at higher risk.
• Call the police if the woman's safety is in jeopardy.

If he denies the abuse:

• Men who are abusive will often minimize the impact and deny that they have done anything wrong. They may state that it isn't that bad or blame the victim for their actions. This type of behaviour deflects his own responsibility for his actions.
• Keep your conversation focused on your concerns for his family's safety and well-being and reiterate that abuse is never an answer.
• Keep the lines of communication open and look for opportunities to help him find support.

Here are some concerns you may have about whether you should help:

Points of Concern	Points to Consider
You feel it's none of your business	It could be a matter of life or death. Violence is everyone's business.
You don't know what to say	Saying you care and are concerned is a good start
You might make things worse	Doing nothing could make things worse
It's not serious enough to involve the police	Police are trained to respond and utilize other resources
You are afraid his violence will turn to you or your family	Speak to him alone. Let the police know if you receive threats
You think she doesn't really want to leave because she keeps going back to him	She may not have had the support she needed
You are afraid he will become angry with you	Maybe, but it gives you the chance to offer your help
You feel that both partners are your friends	One friend is being abusive and the other lives in fear
You believe that if he wanted help or wanted to change his behaviour, he would ask for help	He may be too ashamed to ask for help
You think it is a private matter	It isn't when someone is being hurt

Always keep yourself safe. Don't get in the middle of an assault.

Everyone in the community has a role to play in helping to prevent woman abuse. In an emergency, call the police.

For information regarding how the YWCA may be able to help,
call 1-800-461-7656.

Adapted from Neighbours, Friends and Family